If this sickness takes one more thing from me, it seems I will have nothing left. Any semblance of a normal life will disappear and I will cease to be the person I so long to be.
A hard truth, but one I’m finding I have to face… There’s only so much a person can bear alone, and as much as it pains me to admit it, I have a hard time relying on everyone else for help. And those I do rely on are being crushed by the burden of my pain. I find myself alone, crying my eyes out, my soul pouring out into a stain on my pillow case. “How am I supposed to go on this way?” seems to be the theme song of my life. It’s not the one I would pick if I had the choice.
There are days when it seems that if I have one more wave of nausea, if I have to even look at another piece of food, move one more burning muscle, pick up one more thing with my aching hands, or smile through another headache that I will cease to function. If I am completely honest, that seems like a tempting idea at times.
When every time you go to the doctor you find that three new things have come up and one old one has come back, it gets hard not to just throw your hands up and say, “I QUIT!” You get so tired of having to find food that you are allowed to eat AND won’t make you feel sick. You get tired of waiting on doctors to tell you that after they did all their tests they found that… Well, they don’t have any clue what to do with you. So you get sent off to the next one in hopes that this time will be the one. That this time you will come home having your hope, and the hope of so many others, fulfilled! What an amazing feeling that would be!! Not only to know what it is that makes my body fight itself constantly, but to actually be able to FIX it!!!
What a strange idea to be able to wake up and go to work, to enjoy a day at the lake, or go for a run…
If I woke up in a healthy body that’s just what I’d do. I would run. I would kick off my shoes and run just as far as my legs would take me, shedding off every hour of every year that has kept my body entrapped in this downward spiral. Just the thought of being able to be so free makes my heart yearn for that day in a way that only the deepest of desires can. I feel my heart may just burst out of my chest, and I cry. I cry because I don’t know what to do to bring this day closer to reality.
A day when the people I love can stop bearing so much hurt from watching me suffer for so long. A day when the happiness we feel won’t always be tainted by this sickness that has a hold of me. A day when my body will be able to keep up with my spirit. When my passions won’t have to be bottled up inside because I can go and live them! When I can help the people in this world without then facing the wrath of my illness. What an amazing day that would be.
What an amazing day that will be.
I cannot stop fighting, for the fight is keeping me alive.
I cannot give another fake reply, for the truth is all I have to give.
I cannot go alone, for the burned is too much to carry.
I cannot hide for one more day, for my heart is much to heavy.
But what I can do, I will.
I will shine love into a world that I have faced far too much darkness in.
I will share my struggles so no one ever feels alone, as I have.
I will not give up, so that maybe one more person will decide to keep on fighting.
I will ask you for your help, because I am far to weak.
My heart is laid out before you,
I am here.